Sweet Vegan Sweets

Hi new friends!  I’m Ali. Like Sarah, I’ve kind of lost my brain. A reset sounds like exactly what I needed… yesterday. Sarah, good on you guys for making a point of doing that every year. Being able to hit the pause button is so crucial to your mental health, especially right around the time of year you know it’s a struggle to muscle through. I’m sending healing vibes. Hope you return super refreshed.

This week I’ve been scouring the internet for some Halloween recipes, and I stumbled upon one for vegan meringues, which I IMMEDIATELY shared with Allis, because she and I ate our weight in them (not vegan) when we worked together at Sweetie Pies…

The real 'Sweetie Pie'

… and she reminded me to share it with you! I’ll post it at the bottom and make you read through my bullshit. But, who knew you could do so many things with chickpea juice aka aquafaba! I sure didn’t!

2017 was the year of big changes for me. From April to October I: (1) had a messy break up with a boyfriend who was bringing me down; (2) moved out of my parents’ house after five years and into an apartment in Sunnyside, Queens; (3) got a new job working for a law firm on Park Ave; (4 and maybe the most important) started law school in August; (5) started dating a super great farmer who lives in Patchogue and works in Riverhead; (6 and the most sad) made the decision to have my parents watch my dog/my left arm/my best friend four days a week because he needs a backyard while I’m out during the day; and (7) was a bridesmaid in my LITTLE brother's wedding. I watched my baby brother get married. Guys. My head has not stopped spinning. During these six months I felt like I was running a marathon every day, and I seemed to just magically have the energy for it. Kind of. I was going through the motions every day, but my body was paying the price. I lost like 15lbs (I’m 5’7” and was down to under 110lbs—but I thought I looked good wtf, thanks patriarchy-- don't worry I've since gained it back), and I was getting my period every week-and-a-half to two weeks and it was painful AF. Unfortunately, however, I got used to being “up” all of the time, and now that things are starting to calm down and I’m settling into this new life I have chosen, all I want to do is change it again because change has become my only constant and the only comfort I know. I feel a little bit like a squirrel on crack; fidgety and twitchy. I don’t know how to sit still and enjoy what I have going on. So, I’ve begun fighting against my own life. I’m questioning EVEYTHING, I want to quit everything, move back home and do it all over again. Or break up with my boyfriend and date a girl. Or a different guy. Or try cocaine. Or just throw my entire life out. Quit my job. Quit school. Buy a motorcycle. Get pregnant on purpose. Run away. Buy a house. Become a florist. Get married. Shave my head. OR ALL OF THE ABOVE. All at once. Basically, I’m panicking that something is wrong because nothing is changing anymore. But, this is it. This is my life, now. And I need to accept and embrace it.

I love my job, I mean, I love the fact that I can study for 8 hours a day at my desk because there’s literally no work for me to do here; I LOVE school and am so grateful to have the opportunity to learn in this kind of diverse and intellectually invigorating environment; I LOVE my farmer… guys, he’s the sweetest most laid back person I have ever met; and I love the new people I’m meeting. I don’t love living in New York City, turns out I’m more of a smaller-city/suburban/rural kinda gal; I don't love having a long-distance relationship and not feeling close to another person, but I acknowledge it's all I can handle right now; I don’t love the fact that my “what if” guy texts me now and again and wants to see me (he lives in Baltimore, it’s fine it will never happen, but… what if?! NOT HELPING); and I really don’t love not having my dog/buddy/left arm every day to snuggle and make everything better. Generally, though, I have an amazing life and I am so lucky. So, why do I keep panicking? Why do I constantly need to fight against my own life? Should I go back to therapy? Do I just need to chill TF out? Do some yoga? I ask myself these things every day in the short span of time between panic attacks, but these questions seem to bring own their own different kinds of panic attacks. I’m talking to everyone who will listen, it’s as if I need constant validation for EVERYTHING, am saying stupid shit all of the time, putting my foot in my mouth at least once a day and I am just fucking EXHAUSTED and tired of myself. Tired. Of. Myself. Someone point me in the direction of the nearest meditation hour.

I’m in desperate need to get lost in nature just to feel small and connected again. Nothing has got to change, but something has got to change. And I think it’s my mindset and outlook. Maybe after finals I’ll find some snowy mountains to escape to. I need the quiet. I need to be chilly, to take my gloves off and shove them into snow and look out and see some fucking great scenery. And then whine about having cold hands.

In the meantime, I’m going to be riding the subway, studying at my desk and buying the ingredients to make vegan meringues off Amazon because I have zero minutes to go grocery shopping (thank GAWD for Amazon. Seriously.) and trying to bring peace to my crazy mind. 

Thanks for tuning in to my vent sesh, pals. Now that you've been here listening to my CRAP, here’s the recipe for vegan meringues! I’m going to make them for a Halloween party with my farmer this weekend so I’ll reply down undah to let you know how they come out. 

I don’t even know you, but I already love you. Thanks for reading. 💗

Ali Mae