Help! I'm... Single?????????
Guys,
I broke up with the farmer. The perfect and weird human I was dating.
And I need you to tell me what you look for when you look for a partner.
Or what you look for when you're dating.
Or advice on how to be single.
Mostly I really need advice on how to be single.
So I broke up with the farmer because I found myself starting to lie to new people and say I was single. It made me feel shitty which made me realize I wasn't as into it as I thought. Part of it was I felt like I was living this double-life... living in Queens and doing the city thing four days a week and then going back to Long Island to be with farmer and company for two-three days. One half of my life was becoming this kind of glamorous city thing...rooftop bars with coworkers and late nights out with fellow students... and then I would go home to be with the suburbanites who are buying homes and settling down... I felt like I really had to make a choice about which route I wanted to go. And the suburbanite settling down thing just... is not where I am at right now.
The city lights got to me, guys.
I'm a walking cliche.
I do feel really shitty about breaking up with a good dude. I'm really sad that it didn't work out. Like, REALLY sad. And I wonder if I'll ever meet anyone who will be thoughtful, or kind, or as fun as he was. We had a LOT of fun together. So much. Fuck.
I'm sad.
But it's the first time I've been "single" since I was 19. I have hopped from relationship to relationship to relationship and I'm kind of just ready to be alone?
But I'm not ready to be alone.
I'm terrified to be alone.
But that's probably why it will be the best thing for me. Because it's scary.
so... I'm single, kicking and screaming. But it's okay, right? It's all going to be okay?
You can't just stay with someone because you have good memories, right?
You don't have to have a future with someone who was a great and fun part of your past?
This is hard.
The other thing is... I slept with a woman.
Literally the day I broke up with him.
I think I was really ready to explore this and I felt this urgency to break up with him and fly into the arms of a woman. NOT SMART, especially because she's like really into me and I'm just fucking confused. And also we go to school together so I'm going to have to actually deal with this for the rest of my law school career. BUT, she was so soft and really lovely but like... definitely not something I could do long-term, which was a concern of mine because I felt like I just wasn't attracted to the farmer/men anymore. I just thought "wait, maybe I'm gay?"
Not gay.
Definitely not gay.
Well, I guess a little bit gay?
But not like, into-it-for-the-long-haul-kind-of-gay.
Just confused.
But I feel like I just keep settling. Like, am I really ever fully attracted to the people I date? What makes me attracted to a person? I keep dating the same fucking type of person.
SAME DUDE (and woman! This girl falls into this category) DIFFERENT BODY.
So, of COURSE it's not going to work out. And all of these people I date are like, not really doing adult things. Like, they are either in-between jobs or are working jobs that barely pay the bills... and I keep telling myself that's enough. It's enough because I am going to make a good amount of money. I will be able to support someone (maybe) one day. If I had to. And I don't need things, right? I don't need someone to take care of me!
But I want someone who is able to do things. Adult things.
Travel.
Build a life.
Be a person.
Have friends.
Do things.
So... I need to be single. Re-calibrate my priorities. I GUESS.
But... Does this mean I get a lot of girl time? And obviously not like in the total lesbian way I just spent some girl time. I mean like... going out. Dressing up. Wearing high heels. Wearing platforms. Going to concerts. Or am I too late in the game for this? Has everyone been there, done that already?
Mel, if you're down to hit.the.town... I AM READY.
HELP. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE SINGLE.
-Ali Mae
I broke up with the farmer. The perfect and weird human I was dating.
And I need you to tell me what you look for when you look for a partner.
Or what you look for when you're dating.
Or advice on how to be single.
Mostly I really need advice on how to be single.
So I broke up with the farmer because I found myself starting to lie to new people and say I was single. It made me feel shitty which made me realize I wasn't as into it as I thought. Part of it was I felt like I was living this double-life... living in Queens and doing the city thing four days a week and then going back to Long Island to be with farmer and company for two-three days. One half of my life was becoming this kind of glamorous city thing...rooftop bars with coworkers and late nights out with fellow students... and then I would go home to be with the suburbanites who are buying homes and settling down... I felt like I really had to make a choice about which route I wanted to go. And the suburbanite settling down thing just... is not where I am at right now.
The city lights got to me, guys.
I'm a walking cliche.
I do feel really shitty about breaking up with a good dude. I'm really sad that it didn't work out. Like, REALLY sad. And I wonder if I'll ever meet anyone who will be thoughtful, or kind, or as fun as he was. We had a LOT of fun together. So much. Fuck.
I'm sad.
But it's the first time I've been "single" since I was 19. I have hopped from relationship to relationship to relationship and I'm kind of just ready to be alone?
But I'm not ready to be alone.
I'm terrified to be alone.
But that's probably why it will be the best thing for me. Because it's scary.
so... I'm single, kicking and screaming. But it's okay, right? It's all going to be okay?
You can't just stay with someone because you have good memories, right?
You don't have to have a future with someone who was a great and fun part of your past?
This is hard.
The other thing is... I slept with a woman.
Literally the day I broke up with him.
I think I was really ready to explore this and I felt this urgency to break up with him and fly into the arms of a woman. NOT SMART, especially because she's like really into me and I'm just fucking confused. And also we go to school together so I'm going to have to actually deal with this for the rest of my law school career. BUT, she was so soft and really lovely but like... definitely not something I could do long-term, which was a concern of mine because I felt like I just wasn't attracted to the farmer/men anymore. I just thought "wait, maybe I'm gay?"
Not gay.
Definitely not gay.
Well, I guess a little bit gay?
But not like, into-it-for-the-long-haul-kind-of-gay.
Just confused.
** I realize that I literally did what my first -- throwing my life away post -- said I wanted to do. I broke up with my boyfriend and dated(not dated) a woman. **
Ugh am I that self-indulgent?!
But I feel like I just keep settling. Like, am I really ever fully attracted to the people I date? What makes me attracted to a person? I keep dating the same fucking type of person.
SAME DUDE (and woman! This girl falls into this category) DIFFERENT BODY.
So, of COURSE it's not going to work out. And all of these people I date are like, not really doing adult things. Like, they are either in-between jobs or are working jobs that barely pay the bills... and I keep telling myself that's enough. It's enough because I am going to make a good amount of money. I will be able to support someone (maybe) one day. If I had to. And I don't need things, right? I don't need someone to take care of me!
But I want someone who is able to do things. Adult things.
Travel.
Build a life.
Be a person.
Have friends.
Do things.
So... I need to be single. Re-calibrate my priorities. I GUESS.
But... Does this mean I get a lot of girl time? And obviously not like in the total lesbian way I just spent some girl time. I mean like... going out. Dressing up. Wearing high heels. Wearing platforms. Going to concerts. Or am I too late in the game for this? Has everyone been there, done that already?
Mel, if you're down to hit.the.town... I AM READY.
HELP. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE SINGLE.
-Ali Mae
Who's the author for this? <3
ReplyDeleteWhooopsss! me.
DeleteThis is such a wonderfully vulnerable and self-aware post. Yes ma'am! You know what you want and don't want, even if it's painful. That is being totally aware of yourself, being responsible for what you want and need, and not taking any shit. That is the human condition! I promise the confusion will never go away, but as long as you keep going toward the new and the unknown, and avoid "settling" when it doesn't quite feel right... you're going to evolve in a million and one ways. Sounds like you're on the right track <3
ReplyDeleteAh! Thank you <3
Delete